drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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