He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
