There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
