Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize