We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Oh god it's open bar.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
