I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
