I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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