um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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