What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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