Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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