Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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