it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
