guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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