she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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