Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
