in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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