Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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