I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize