Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
