Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
