Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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