there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
