this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
