the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
