so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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