Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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