Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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