I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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