May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
