i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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