Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
