i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
