you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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