I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
