Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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