I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
