I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
