so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
