I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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