I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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