Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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