Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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