That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
