I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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