Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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