I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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