I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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