I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
