last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
