I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
