I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
