Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
