Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
