i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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