True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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