i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
