Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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