I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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