Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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