I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
