so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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